Sunday, September 5, 2010

Chapter 50: In Which JMR is a Chapter Behind

Previously in Varney the Vampire: The mob are arrested in the most boring way imaginable.

As we start Chapter 50 (THE MOB'S ARRIVAL AT SIR FRANCIS VARNEY'S. -- THE ATTEMPT TO GAIN ADMISSION.) -- wait, isn't that the exact same chapter title as the previous chapter? F*** you, JMR.

Thankfully in this one, the mob actually does arrive at Varney's house, and predictably starts clamoring for his death. In tones of "rage and disappointment," apparently, which just makes me picture the mob wagging their fingers at Varney and sternly warning him that if he doesn't start being a good little vampire they'll make him sit in the corner without his supper.

And then Varney would slaughter them all and drink his supper from their blood-spurting wounds. The end.

But let's return to the actual story. Somehow the members of the mob who escaped before the others were arrested got a tip that Varney would be at home, because where else would you hide when a mob was coming to kill you?

Their plan to defeat him is as follows:

  1. Approach quietly, so as not to warn him.
  2. Knock on the door.
  3. Prop the door open with a stick so they can force their way in.
  4. ???
  5. Profit!
Or something to that effect. It predictably goes awry when no one answers the door, leading to this wonderful line:
The knock for admission produced no effect; and, after waiting three or four minutes, it was very provoking to find such a wonderful amount of caution and cunning completely thrown away.
Not knowing what else to do, they knock again, and I rather like this little exchange, too:
"Well?" said the man who appeared at the little opening.
"Oh," said he who had knocked; "I -- "
"I -- that is to say -- ahem! Is Sir Francis Varney within?"
"I say, is Sir Francis Varney within?"
"Well; you have said it!"
"Ah, but you have not answered it."
"Well, is he at home?"
"I decline saying; so you had better, all of you, go back to the town again, for we are well provided with all material to resist any attack you may be fools enough to make."
And so the chapter ends on the biggest cliffhanger of all time, with the mob scratching their heads and probably wondering if they should just try knocking again.

(SPOILER: That's exactly what they do in Chapter 51.)

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